One of the most fundamental human needs is the desire to belong. From an early age, we look for recognition – for groups where we can be ourselves, or at least, where we feel safe. Friends, families, sports teams, cultural communities, workplace departments, political affiliations – all offer a sense of home.

But what often goes unnoticed is the other side of belonging: the mechanism of exclusion that can come with it. Groups connect people, but they also draw boundaries. And the safer it feels inside those boundaries, the less safe it can feel for those on the outside.

The Safe Inside
A group offers structure, shared language, rituals. Within a group, you can express common values without having to explain yourself over and over. You know where you stand. “We understand each other.” That sense of “we” creates clarity and calm. Especially in uncertain times, people instinctively seek that kind of grounding. Groups offer safety, trust, and collaboration – as long as you belong.

In organizations, this shows up in teams with a strong internal culture, in friend groups with a fixed dynamic, or communities with shared beliefs. These spaces feel good – as long as you fit in.

The Invisible Outside
But where there is an inside, there is automatically an outside. It’s rarely named, but often felt. People who are “different” – in background, behavior, beliefs, pace, or style – may feel subtly or explicitly left out, ignored, or even threatened.

And that’s the paradox: what feels safe and secure for one group can feel closed-off or excluding to others. The more tightly a group affirms itself, the more likely it is to see difference as a threat. That can lead to polarization, “us vs. them” thinking, and eventually fear or conflict.

The Power and Risk of Group Belonging
This paradox plays out everywhere – in companies, schools, neighborhoods, and online communities. Consider:

• A tight-knit team that shuts out newcomers and misses out on innovation
• An organizational culture seen as “warm” by insiders but “closed” by outsiders
• A social movement that champions inclusion but leaves no room for nuance or dissent

The issue is not the existence of groups, but the unconscious exclusion that can sneak in. And it often doesn’t come from bad intent, but from our very human desire for control and familiarity.

So What Does This Ask of Us?
Connection without exclusion requires awareness. The willingness to ask: who’s not at the table? It takes curiosity about what feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. And sometimes, it asks us to examine our own position within a group.

It requires leadership – not necessarily in title, but in attitude. The courage to not take the “safe inside” for granted. And the ability to turn walls into bridges.

To Reflect

• In which group do you feel at home?
• Who isn’t part of that group – and why?
• Is that boundary intentional, necessary, or just comfortable?

The need to belong is human. Let’s just make sure it doesn’t come at the cost of someone else’s humanity.

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here