“Life is one big exercise: imperfect, but we get better and better!”

Many people struggle with their self-esteem because, in a sense, they believe they don’t meet ‘the standard.’ The standard is often a form of perfection that doesn’t actually exist, yet is strived for. It’s a kind of self-made goal that people hold up to each other, with the idea that only when you achieve this you will be good enough.

Right and Wrong

This immediately ties in with ideas of right and wrong. If you haven’t achieved it, the goal, then you’re not (yet) good enough. And not being good enough is often equated with the idea that you’re no good, and not being good enough quickly becomes to mean wrong or bad.

People who learn this way of thinking from experience in their lives, because they’re told so or because they notice it by how people respond, learn to judge themselves in this same way and thus reject themselves.

Self-sabotage

It has a destructive effect on society. Not only does it cause a lot of stress and is it unhealthy, but people also sabotage themselves by striving primarily for acceptance instead of meeting their needs in an equal and reciprocal relationship. They listen to what others think instead of following their own compass. In fact, they don’t even know it exists anymore. Others have become their compass for right or wrong.

Why?

This dynamic is often only broken when people start to get stuck and wonder why they’re being this way, doing all this. This requires a more realistic view of life, where they begin to examine the truth of what others say and what they themselves thought.

Reality

Ultimately, they hopefully arrive at the reality where they start to see that everyone spends  their whole life learning. There is no point on the horizon called perfection that can be achieved. There is only endless growth and development. What you learn improves through practice and experience, and that’s enough.

Perhaps that’s what true maturity is: not reaching a standard, but letting go of the need for external validation of your worth.

• Where do you notice yourself seeking approval instead of listening to your own truth?
• Which voice in your head isn’t actually yours?
• And what would happen if you allowed yourself to simply practice, imperfectly but gradually improving?

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here