In the 2021 TV Special Borat’s American Lockdown, Sacha Baron Cohen, in the character of Borat, spends five days with what he calls ‘two conspiracy theorists.’ He does not challenge their unfounded beliefs but rather seems to join them or pushes for an even more extreme view.

Changing feelings
Quite early on one of them exclaims: “Nobody is going to change how I feel about things!” And that is exactly right. It is one of the ongoing issues all over the world in 2024. It is why we continue to become more polarized.

Literally, nobody can change how you feel and how other people feel. It is not possible because of how feelings are created. Once you understand this, you will see there is no point in trying to persuade people to feel differently.

Perception
People feel how they feel because of how they perceive the world. It is how they interpret the information that enters their brain through their senses. How it is interpreted depends on what they learned, what their experiences in life have been (also called nurture), and possibly also through how they are (biologically) (also called nature). And part of all that, are subconscious processes of our mind and body we can’t see but can guess at by looking at the symptoms: the thoughts and behavior. We also have a tendency to respond positively to information that coincides with our experiences in life and what we already know, and we tend to reject what is different. This makes it even less likely that we will change how we feel about things when people question our beliefs.

Influence
That is not to say that we can’t or don’t influence each other. We do and always will, even by what we don’t say or do, and even by our absence. Most commonly though we try to influence each other by what we say and often attempt this when there is a difference of opinion. But what do we aim at?

Billiards for effect
It made me think of playing pool. Maybe it is similar and a useful metaphor we can use. When we communicate to influence each other, it is like trying to hit a ball with our cue to make another ball go down a pocket, which tells us we scored. And like in playing pool we often miss. Our communication also is like an interaction, but between words, and does not always have the desired effect either. Only an experienced player/communicator controls the game. So, this is where it becomes interesting. How do you become an experienced player/communicator?

Acknowledge a point of view
Well, stop aiming to change people’s feelings. It doesn’t work. Knowing people will draw their own conclusions and tend to resent it when you tell them they see it wrong and should not feel this way, is counterproductive. Instead, first, listen. Acknowledge how they see the information, ‘the playing field’, to stay with the metaphor of the pool table. The only thing you are saying is that you understand how they see things and why they feel this way. Only after this, you express your position. You make I -statements, meaning you express yourself but only say why and how you see and feel about certain things: “When I see …. I feel ….” It helps when you engage them at the end by saying something like: “Do you see what I mean?”

Making the puzzle together
Now, at this point, we still may only be sharing opinions. It becomes more interesting when we start to identify the facts we both use. You see, we tend to assume we both see the same things. But life is more like a puzzle we are making together. We need each other’s puzzle pieces to see the full picture. The more the merrier gets a new meaning this way. The more pieces of the puzzle we can get, the more details we may see, the better the decisions we’ll probably make. It is obvious, isn’t it, that when we base our decisions on half-truths and half-information, the result is more likely to become disappointing. So instead of rejecting other opinions, which are often presented as The Truth, we try and find the objective information that is behind the opinion and acknowledge the piece of the puzzle it gives us. The downside of rejecting other people’s opinions just because of the way they are expressed, also means we would discard a piece of the puzzle we need to see the full picture.

Boundaries
This doesn’t mean we accept everything people say and do when they express an opinion badly. In that case, we also let them know how we feel when people talk and act that way. We let them know how shocked we are and value a different kind of interaction. One that helps us to hear and understand them better. For after all, what is the purpose of communication? Just to frighten each other or to be understood?

What’s the point?
You may think frightening other people sometimes is the only course of action. And sure enough, in the short term it can be very effective. But what does it also create? In the short-term resentment and a longing for revenge? And in the long term, it probably creates enduring animosity, an unwillingness to cooperate, and avoidance. So, it seems to me, that staying on speaking terms is the better option, if you can. Sure, you can only hold out a hand. It is also up to the other to take it. I would say that letting them know you are open to a conversation when they feel differently may be a way to let them know the door is not closed as far as you are concerned.

Finding direction
Then, to make it even more complete, we may start to guess at the needs people have based on the facts they see. You see, feelings are signals that awaken us to the fact that we have a need. The opinions we express usually do not refer to the needs but often express how we want to meet those needs. Stating you want a soda is just saying you feel thirsty and need fluids. See?

Deeper understanding
So, what makes needs so important? Well, people are driven by their needs. It is behind everything people say and do. Guessing people’s feelings helps to identify their needs. And needs are pieces of the puzzle! So, understanding the needs makes our picture more complete.

No assumptions
But we are not clairvoyant, so, we make no assumptions! We just guess and then invite other people to tell us if it is so. We don’t tell them what they feel and need! That would be making assumptions. Instead, we say something like: I am guessing you may be feeling ….. because you need ….. Is that so? Everything in this sentence tells the listener that you are just guessing and inquiring into how they feel and what they need. You are showing an interest in their well-being and this is often received well or at least dampens intense feelings of dissatisfaction or anger.

Success
So, coming back to the pool table, shooting for facts, feelings, and needs will get us closer to the goal: more balls in the pockets!

Where it differs from shooting pool is that this is not a competitive game. We need each other to meet our needs. That is why we communicate! By what we do, as we change our aim, we create greater clarity all around and everyone benefits. In the end, we are all winners! And winners tend to feel the same because of the new experience they now share: HAPPY!

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here