The answer you get and the answer you want to hear.
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I recently saw two people for a mediation: a manager and his employee.  Their relationship had become very strained over the last few years. The employee complained that he was not being heard and not getting answers from the manager, the manager complained that he was not respected in his decisions and being called a liar since he had answered.

You cannot blame the facts
It is not that hard I would think. You either did or did not answer. Instead of blaming each other let’s look at the facts, not the interpretations. What did each person say? The employee had told the manager about an issue, and the manager had responded and said that he would need to talk to other people involved first. The employee said that was not an answer as it did not solve his problem. The manager said that this was exactly what happens all the time. His decision is not respected and the employee is only satisfied when he gets what he wants. Then the mutual blaming started all over again. I asked if they could agree that a question was asked, an answer was given and a solution still pending. They both agreed on that, be it with some resentment on the part of the employee and exasperation on the part of the manager as both were not satisfied with the proceedings. I asked the manager if he could have been more explicit in his response to the question. He said that he could have responded to the employee’s email to begin with so that when they met the employee would have known he was undertaking some action in response. He also said that he could have been more explicit by telling the employee not to undertake any action till he had talked to other people and had made a decision. The employee thought this was all stating the obvious, that he was not a fool and perfectly understood that he was supposed to wait. His frustration was about not getting ‘straight’ answers. I asked him if he meant an answer that would solve the problem. He did. In his ‘world,’ only answers that solved the problem were valid. I asked him if it would be possible on his part to distinguish between answers given and solutions needed and if it would be possible for him to accept and acknowledge the answer given and state that he also needed a solution and was interested in hearing when that would be. Grudgingly he said that was possible but that in a good relationship, this would not be required. I agreed and said that he was right and given the friction in the relationship with his manager, this obviously was not the case.

How do you change feelings of distrust?
When our feelings of distrust are based on past experiences and projected on any future situation the bad relationship becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The relationship will only change when practical changes in behaviour are made and communication is improved, so that future negative events are prevented from happening or quickly resolved. To do so both had to become more explicit in their communication and not leave it open to interpretation. When people cannot be expected to be clairvoyant just be crisp and clear by spelling out what you mean. Their idea of not being able to trust each other was being fed by incomplete information that each of them then interpreted differently. They both needed trust to be able to work together but seemed unwilling to take the first steps towards more trust because of past confusion and blaming each other for it. I expect that the feelings of distrust will only change when each person starts communicating in an explicit and verifiable way so no room for interpretation is left. It will take time to normalize their relationship to the degree that being so explicit is no longer necessary. But when positive changes are made and more and more evidence for this can be heard and seen, past issues will slowly fade, the relationship will improve and a good atmosphere to work in will result.        

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here

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