Our relationship with ourself, others and the world

In a small-group conversation recently, the topic of synchronicity came up: the experience of events that seem connected in a meaningful way. Whether we experience such events as fortunate or unfortunate often depends on the circumstances and the meaning we attribute to them.

This reminded me of a Taoist story about a farmer and his son. A neighbour comments on how lucky the farmer is to have such a strong son. The farmer replies, “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

As time goes by, life brings both ups and downs for the farmer and his son. Each time, the neighbour declares the situation fortunate or unfortunate, and each time the farmer responds in the same way: “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

Meaning we attribute

The story reminds us that our experience of life is influenced by the meaning we attribute to events. Life can feel like a rollercoaster, with moments of elation followed by moments when our stomach is in our throat. The farmer, however, takes things in his stride. This does not mean he is without feelings; he will experience joy and grief like anyone else. But he also recognises that our interpretation of events depends on the context in which they occur. What seems like good fortune today may turn out differently tomorrow. It all depends on our perspective.

Synchronicity

When it comes to synchronicity, I think the same principle applies. Just because events seem meaningfully connected does not mean they necessarily are. Nor can we conclude that they are not. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.

Possibility

My approach is practical. If an interpretation of an event brings you happiness without harmful consequences, there may be no reason to let it go. If it makes you unhappy, it is worth questioning. Whatever interpretation we arrive at, it may be helpful to remember more interpretations are possible. In a lecture, Benjamin Zander, conductor of the Boston Philharmonic and co-author of The Art of Possibility, suggested responding to a mistake with the words: “How fascinating!” I would extend this attitude to life’s fortunes and adversities more generally.

It may sound ridiculous, but imagine approaching unexpected events with curiosity rather than immediately judging them as good or bad. What difference might that make to you and the people around you? Instead of becoming upset by every setback at work or in a relationship, you might respond with greater equanimity, find new possibilities and sleep better at night.

This is not about suppressing feelings or pretending that everything is fine. It is about creating a little space between what happens and how we respond. That space can help us choose our next step rather than simply react.

Influence

Nor does this diminish our agency. I recently wrote about the circle of influence and how understanding the limits of our influence can help us interact with reality more effectively and with less frustration. We cannot control everything that happens, but we can influence how we respond and what we do next.

I would not reduce the meaning we find in events to mere projection, either. We experience a reality that we can only partially perceive through our senses. There is much we do not know, and the world is undoubtedly more complex than our experience of it. Yet this need not prevent us from engaging with life. On the contrary, we are part of it, and our interaction with reality is co-creative.

When we dip a finger into a pond, we change our own experience by feeling the water, but we also change the pond by creating ripples. In a similar way, our interpretations influence how we experience the world, while our actions affect the world we share with others.

Relational dimension

This relational dimension becomes especially apparent in our encounters with other people. Benjamin Zander poses a question in The Art of Possibility that I find particularly compelling: “Who am I being that makes the light in other people’s eyes (not) shine?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS-YYhoyBMo

It shifts our attention from what we want to achieve to how we are being in our relationships. The way we listen, respond and engage can create possibilities for others that might not otherwise emerge. Two questions then arise:

1. Self-reflection (awareness): What becomes possible when we consciously consider how we are being in relation to others?
2. Exploring possibilities (progression): Who can I be, and what does it take, to inspire others?

Perhaps, then, meaning is neither simply something we discover in the world nor something we invent in our minds. It can also emerge through our participation in the world and our relationships with others. We may not create the events themselves, but we can help shape what they come to mean and what becomes possible as a result.

A sense of wonder

My conclusion is that, as participants in this unfolding reality, we can choose to live with a sense of wonder. Rather than forming opinions about everything and debating endlessly about who is right, we might set our judgments aside and enjoy exploring the experience together.

Chaos is not necessarily the problem. Our need to interpret, explain or control it may be what makes it so difficult to live with. If we approach uncertainty with curiosity and see it as a shared adventure, we can work together, discover resources and move beyond what we previously thought possible.

Perhaps it is not reality itself that we need to control, but the way we frame it—and the possibilities we create through how we respond.

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here