With our thinking, we create our reality.

We do not always stop to reflect on this and may assume that reality simply exists as it is. The question, however, is whether we can truly know reality. That seems to me to be a question for science. Personally, I am inclined to think that we cannot.

In my view, each of us sees the world through our own eyes and, in doing so, gives meaning and colour to reality. This immediately brings me to the ideas we hold about what is right and what is wrong.

I believe that our tendency to classify people and their behaviour as either right or wrong also depends largely on the perspective from which we view them. Rain is welcome to the farmer but inconvenient for the holidaymaker. A freedom fighter is regarded as a hero by one person and a terrorist by another.

Questions of right and wrong quickly become ethical debates in which opinions remain divided. That, however, is precisely my point. Such discussions may be intellectually stimulating, but they do not necessarily lead to greater understanding, deeper connection, better cooperation, or a better world.

When confronted with another person’s opinion, do you submit to it, or do you resist it?

Conforming or Rebelling

In his book Raising Children Compassionately, Marshall Rosenberg tells the following story.

1. “Now of course, our children are often going to be in situations where they’re not going to receive this unconditional acceptance and respect and love. They’re going to be in schools, perhaps, where the teachers are using a form of authority that’s based on other ways of thinking, namely that you have to earn respect and love—that you deserve to be punished or blamed if you don’t behave in a certain way. So one of our tasks as parents is to show our children a way of staying human, even when they are being exposed to others who are using a form of coercion.
2. One of my happiest days as a parent was when my oldest son went off to a neighborhood school. He was twelve years old at the time. He had just finished six years in a school where I’d helped train the teachers, a school based on principles of Nonviolent Communication where people were expected to do things not because of punishment or reward, but because they saw how it was contributing to their own and other people’s well-being, where evaluation was in terms of needs and requests, not in terms of judgments. So this was going to be quite a different experience for him after six years in such a school, to go to the neighborhood school, which I’m sad to say wasn’t functioning in a way that I would have liked. But before he had gone off to this school, I had tried to provide him with some understanding of why teachers in this school might be communicating and behaving in a different way, and I tried to provide him with some skills for handling that situation should it occur.
3. When he came home from school the first day I was delighted to find out how he had used what I had offered him. I asked him, “Rick, how was the new school?” And he said: “Oh, it’s OK, Dad. But boy, some of those teachers.” I could see that he was distressed, and I said, “What happened?” He said: “Dad, I wasn’t even halfway in the door, really I was just walking in, when this man teacher saw me and came running over and screamed at me, ‘My, my, look at the little girl.’” Now, what that teacher was reacting to was, my son had long hair at the time, down to his shoulders. And this teacher had a way of thinking, apparently, where he thought he as the authority knew what was right, that there was a right way to wear hair,and that if somebody doesn’t do things the right way, then you have to shame them or guilt them or punish them into doing it. I felt sad to hear that my child would be greeted that way his first moment in the new school. And I said, “How did you handle it?” And he said, “Dad, I remembered what you said, that when you’re in a place like that, never to give them the power to make you submit or rebel.” Well, I was delighted that he would remember that abstract principle at such a time. And I told him I was glad that he remembered it, and I said, “How did you handle the situation?” He said: “Dad, I also did what you suggested, that when people are talking to me that way, to try to hear what they’re feeling and needing and not take it personally. Just to try to hear their feelings and needs.” I said, “Wow, am I glad that you thought to do that. What did you hear?” He said, “Dad, it was pretty obvious. I heard that he was irritated and wanted me to cut my hair.” “Oh,” I said, “how did that leave you feeling, to receive his message in that way?” And he said: “Dad, I felt really sad for the man. He was bald, and seemed to have a problem about hair.”

RAISING CHILDREN COMPASSIONATELY RCC.1e.6p.int.sb.qxp:Raising Children Compassionately Page 13, 14 © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.NonviolentCommunication.com

Making Distinctions

In my view, it is worth asking whether our tendency to divide people and behaviour into categories of right and wrong is really as helpful as we often assume.

In a lecture entitled Conflict as a Resource in the Search for Connection, I explored this question in greater depth. In that lecture, I examine how our judgments often create distance between people, while curiosity about each other’s experiences can create connection and understanding.

You can find this lecture in the Dutch section gratis downloads.

Govert van Ginkel

This article is written by Govert van Ginkel. Govert specializes in Nonviolent and Effective Communication and is active in this field as a trainer, speaker, coach, and mediator. More information about Govert can be found here. The current training offer can be found here